Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Replacements

Grief stricken days after losing our precious baby
This past weekend was a flux of emotions from joy, sadness, longing, and more.  I'm coming up on the second anniversary of the death of my son, Isaiah.  A very good friend accompanied me to an event called, A Walk to Remember to honor all babies who died prematurely through infant death, miscarriage, and stillbirth.  The day was filled with hearing the stories of others honoring babies gone home way to soon, song, a peaceful walk, and more things to put in Isaiah's memory box.

I'm on the verge of tears as I type this, although I thought I wasn't sad any more.  I was all ready to give myself a Grief-Free badge, but here I am.  I thought I had some how, moved on with my life, like I'm sure some people would want.  I see I'm still there, in that place.  No, not the dark cold room, but the foggy dimly lit field.

In those early days and months after his death, there were a few "sayings" or scriptures that absolutely made my blood curdle; they still don't sit right with me.  I hate to say that, but my grief was fresh and maybe the verses/sayings were misapplied, but it's truly how I felt and still feel.

#1 Saying/Verse
  • Random Person: "You know, the best is yet to come!"
  • My Brain:  "What the h*&% is that supposed to mean?  I want what I already was about to get.  I want what was suddenly taken away from me.  NOTHING, can be better than that!"
#2 Saying/Verse
  • Random Person: "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."
  • My Brain: crickets "Why would you say that to me!??!!??!  What if I just cut your heart out and expected you to carry on as if everything was okay?"
Like, I said, maybe these things were misapplied or My Brain still can't compute, but here I am.  There is one saying that I still have mixed feelings about.  On the one hand, it gives me a feeling of redemption and happy anticipation and on the other hand I'm still confused and wondering what would've been.

  • Random Person: "You know the Lord has to replace everything that is lost or taken away...ten fold!"
  • My Brain: processing "Okay, that's cool.  I don't want/need kids ten fold though.  I really just want my baby back.  I don't care about all the extras or future children."  (goes off to process some more)
And, I'm still processing this thought.  The days and months after we lost Isaiah were filled with tears, confusion, division, sleeplessness, doubt, worry, and lack of faith to say the least, but we also had some great things happen to us.

When we moved to IL, I didn't know a soul, and I really wasn't in the best place to make new friends, but then one by one, I started to form close bonds with three ladies here in Rockford, it took me two years to find these friends.  Then one by one they all moved away.  I began to worry about how I would fulfill my need to connect with other adults on a friendship basis.  Next thing you know, God made a way for me to become more active at church and I've found more really great friends.  I'm still looking for a workout partner though.

Also, one time I was coming out of the grocery store and a lady approached me crying and she explained that her car had stalled and she didn't even have money to put gas in her car.  The Spirit told me to give her everything I had in my purse at that moment.  I only had $10 and we were also in a financial crunch, but I gave it to her, and a short while later the hubsters got a promotion.  I can tell you about a dozen other times where something similar has happened.  However, the thought of replacing a child or being redeemed after losing my son has me baffled; I really can't wrap my mind around how the Lord will work this out.

Some times I feel like my life has been on pause for two years, my mind has been wrecked trying to figure this out, my heart has a hole in it and the doctor's can't operate, and I'm still trying to dust my faith off and make it like new.


  1. TiAnna, I am so sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to lose a child. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Heather

  2. TiAnna Mae, I am so sorry to hear this. My mother had a miscarraige and and it is something that she has never gotten over. She was 7 months pregnant when it happened. We planted a tree in our garden for my brother Jack and named the tree after him. It is a nice way to always remember him. It is my mothers favourite tree (cheery blossum) I personally think it is very hard for someone to fully recover from something like this as there would always be a place for that baby in ones heart, but I also think it is very hard for someone who has not been in that situtaion to know that sometimes even though they might have the greatest intentions what they are saying can be a bit insensitive. I hope you are ok and I think it was a great idea to have a day like that where you can swap & share stories. Big hugs and kisses
    saoirse x

  3. Thanks Heather & Saoirse! You ladies are so sweet.

    @Saoirse- Cherry blossoms are my favorite trees. You are so right. If someone has never experienced this type of loss, it is terribly hard to understand. I give them grace for that.

  4. Dear, darling sister, I hate that this happened to you. I would never say the Lord took your baby away. Job said that, not knowing it was really Satan who stole his kids from him.

    My daddy died when I was ten, and I tried to figure it out for many years, then one day the Lord helped me to be okay, even though I had no answers. I am gonna pray you will get to that place, too. It may take awhile.

    I think it's okay to cry, to ask why, to pour out your heart to the Lord. He's the only One that says the right thing every time--we humans are so stupid when it comes to trying to comfort those in pain!

    I hope today is the day Jesus returns, and we get to see little Isaiah and my daddy again, never to be parted from them.

    LOve you!

  5. My heart aches for you TiAnna...I can only imagine how you've been feeling! Stay strong and everything happens in God's time!

  6. @Jeanette- Your words are so powerful and comforting. Thanks Jeanette! That has to be extremely difficult to process such a huge loss and such a young age. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    @Mrs. Pancakes- So true! I'm a lady with nothing but time.

  7. :( Tianna, this totally touched me (cyber BIG hugs).. You are in my thoughts and prayers sis, I really wish words could make you feel better instantly but I know that's far fetched, I pray you find some comfort in time. Keeping you close. xoxo~

  8. Thanks Marilyn! I can truly say I am in a 100% better place now than I was a year ago and even two years ago. Each day gets a tad bit sweeter.


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