The Replacements

Grief stricken days after losing our precious baby

This past weekend was a flux of emotions from joy, sadness, longing, and more.  I'm coming up on the second anniversary of the death of my son, Isaiah.  A very good friend accompanied me to an event called, A Walk to Remember to honor all babies who died prematurely through infant death, miscarriage, and stillbirth.  The day was filled with hearing the stories of others honoring babies gone home way to soon, song, a peaceful walk, and more things to put in Isaiah's memory box.

I'm on the verge of tears as I type this, although I thought I wasn't sad any more.  I was all ready to give myself a Grief-Free badge, but here I am.  I thought I had some how, moved on with my life, like I'm sure some people would want.  I see I'm still there, in that place.  No, not the dark cold room, but the foggy dimly lit field.

In those early days and months after his death, there were a few "sayings" or scriptures that absolutely made my blood curdle; they still don't sit right with me.  I hate to say that, but my grief was fresh and maybe the verses/sayings were misapplied, but it's truly how I felt and still feel.

#1 Saying/Verse

• Random Person: "You know, the best is yet to come!"
• My Brain:  "What the h*&% is that supposed to mean?  I want what I already was about to get.  I want what was suddenly taken away from me.  NOTHING, can be better than that!"

#2 Saying/Verse

• Random Person: "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."
• My Brain: crickets "Why would you say that to me!??!!??!  What if I just cut your heart out and expected you to carry on as if everything was okay?"

Like, I said, maybe these things were misapplied or My Brain still can't compute, but here I am.  There is one saying that I still have mixed feelings about.  On the one hand, it gives me a feeling of redemption and happy anticipation and on the other hand I'm still confused and wondering what would've been.

#3Saying/Verse

• Random Person: "You know the Lord has to replace everything that is lost or taken away...ten fold!"
• My Brain: processing "Okay, that's cool.  I don't want/need kids ten fold though.  I really just want my baby back.  I don't care about all the extras or future children."  (goes off to process some more)

And, I'm still processing this thought.  The days and months after we lost Isaiah were filled with tears, confusion, division, sleeplessness, doubt, worry, and lack of faith to say the least, but we also had some great things happen to us.

When we moved to IL, I didn't know a soul, and I really wasn't in the best place to make new friends, but then one by one, I started to form close bonds with three ladies here in Rockford, it took me two years to find these friends.  Then one by one they all moved away.  I began to worry about how I would fulfill my need to connect with other adults on a friendship basis.  Next thing you know, God made a way for me to become more active at church and I've found more really great friends.  I'm still looking for a workout partner though.

Also, one time I was coming out of the grocery store and a lady approached me crying and she explained that her car had stalled and she didn't even have money to put gas in her car.  The Spirit told me to give her everything I had in my purse at that moment.  I only had $10 and we were also in a financial crunch, but I gave it to her, and a short while later the hubsters got a promotion.  I can tell you about a dozen other times where something similar has happened.  However, the thought of replacing a child or being redeemed after losing my son has me baffled; I really can't wrap my mind around how the Lord will work this out.

Some times I feel like my life has been on pause for two years, my mind has been wrecked trying to figure this out, my heart has a hole in it and the doctor's can't operate, and I'm still trying to dust my faith off and make it like new.